I originally posted this on a tumblr blog when I was figuring out what kind of platform, if any, I felt like sharing words/thoughts on. Since then I’ve decided I’d like to give WordPress a go instead. And that’s okay.
My indecisiveness has left me feeling like I’m on some sort of precipice for at least four years now. Always about to begin but never quite managing, shrunken down by anxieties and fears and an inability to create something I am fully happy with, fully ready to share, fully ready to be brave about. Every time I create a blog and force out some words I find myself growing out of whatever I’ve said, recoiling from the version of me that existed minutes before and never really allowing myself to make mistakes, to try new things, to figure out what works for me. I’ve shunned the desire to embrace everything that means something to me – picking up a camera, creating short films, sharing the words I’ve spilled into sentences because I worry it’s self indulgent, pretentious, not worth it. But I’m never going to give myself permission to create, to document, to experience in the way that I used to if I don’t push these anxieties and thoughts away and embrace that perhaps nothing I am saying is ‘worth it’. And so even though I’m going to grow and might think this is stupid within a minute of posting it, even though I’m going to perhaps be posting things I’ll soon think are rubbish or not worthy of anything other than being deleted, even though this is a tumblr blog and that seems like such a ridiculous platform to me right now, even though this blog will inevitably end up being a mass of contradictions, I’m going to keep it anyway.